Emptied & Waiting

I can't shake the desire for your strong arms.
But you have shaken off all your desire for me.
I can't help but wish that I hated you more.
That I didn't want to feel the warmth of your skin.
But I do.
I want to place my arm just close enough to your chest that my hairs tickle your skin.
I want to remember how to abandon my caution with you.
But in your wake, I am finding my scars.
I am feeling my emotional mortality.
Bricks seem strong, but over time they crumble.
And I want your lips.
I want your thighs.
I want your kiss.
I want to be the reason for your impious eyes.
Clutch me.
Know me.
No.
It's not even like wishing for the dead to rise,
but for the return of a ghost
that was never fully embodied to begin with.
I have never know rejection
so deeply
until I thought that I was chosen.
But I want you so badly. That truth remains.
I tell myself I don't.
I tell myself you're not worth wanting.
But it stings every time I unconsciously reach for you.
No wine makes me forget.
No laugh makes me forget.
No hours - no space impacts this feeling.
There is ebbing, but it always returns.
To have loved and lost -
leaves a chasm.
With a particular shape.
And all I can say,
is that maybe the rain will wash it,
and change its shape,
and even fill it in a bit over many, many years.
Some combination of Your presence and my crying,
the rain will come.
Inevitable.
Drenching.
Chilling.
Revival.
Awake.
Opening my eyes, I search for You.
I could say, You know, due to my horrible experiences,
I do believe I deserve someone better.
Someone to be the opposite of disappointment.
And You would give that to me, I'm sure.
But I could ask for something greater.
The truest, fullest experience.
The love that goes beyond love
as we know it, being merely human.
I could ask for someone new to fit into that chasm and overflow my heart.
Or I could let You do it.
It will be impossible - nearly - to overcome this longing for warm flesh.
But You became flesh.
And in a different way, You can be so much closer.
Present.
One.
It will be harder to wait for.
And fight for.
And the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.
But there's something to that.
YOU are the opposite of a rebound.
You are fullness and healing instead of band-aids.
And I love you.
Help my pain not un-focus that for me.
I love you.
And you are like an encompassing warm wind
that transports me to your kingdom-
A wormhole whirlwind.
Touch my heart.
You're the balm.
You're the regeneration.
You are life.
And something beyond life that can only be described as being more alive.
Stay.
Hold me.
Close my lips from whispering false longings.
By placing Your lips on them.
Love me.
And the best part is that You already want to.
But You like it when I ask.
And now You have me smiling my own devious smile
that is also wholesome. Somehow.
Pleasures evermore, huh?
Sounds good to me.